DEALING WITH DISSAPOINTMENT
How do you feel when you ponder the idea of DISAPPOINTMENT? How do you feel when someone you care for says ‘I’m so DISAPPOINTED in you’? Does your heart suddenly sink; do you feel somewhat less of a person for the critique? It can be a bit of a soul-destroying experience, to be told in so many words that we are a disappointment to someone. It can be just as impacting when we feel we are a huge disappointment to our self.
Typically, APPOINTMENT refers to an allocation of some type – an allocation of time (such as with a medical appointment) or an allocation of title or role (such as being appointed to the position of manager). How many roles are appointed to YOU in life by others and, whilst we’re at it, how many of these roles have you actually AGREED to take on? Have a think about it. Say your partner appointed you as the one who is ‘kept in line’ with an occasional slap, punch or visit to emergency; did you ever agree to be appointed as the recipient of this behaviour? If your children appointed you as the family chauffeur, did you ever agree it would be unconditional (they would be perfectly entitled to make unreasonable demands of you)? What about when you were a child, perhaps your parents appointed you to be a high grades scorer? Did you ever agree to suffer the stress that comes with such an appointment?
What do you think happens in the above three scenarios when the appointed roles are not adhered to? When the battered spouse no longer agrees with their partner’s behaviour and they unappoint their self as the battered spouse, through the act of leaving, who is it that feels the DIS-APPOINTMENT most of all (with a possible display of anger)? When the parent refuses to drive their children on occasion, by unappointing their self as unconditional chauffeur, who feels the DIS-APPOINTMENT most of all? When the young scholar turns to his or her parents and announces, ‘I can’t deal with the workload and the stress anymore!’ who feels the DIS-APPOINTMENT most of all? When we unappoint our self from a stressful role given to us, often what we eventually feel is a sense of relief, whilst the person or people that gave us this role feel a sense of rejection. For them, it is the actual side effect of a dis-appointment that holds impact – the grief or loss of expectation regarding a role that, in their mind, was meant to be played out.
Of course, some appointments come with mutual agreements such as with the vows of marriage for example. When you both commit to being faithful, you are in turn appointing each other an agreed upon role in the relationship. When one partner breaks the agreement, by unappointing their self as being faithful, the other will suffer grief or loss.
Can you think of occasions that involve disappointment in YOUR life? When you have a closer look at these occasions, what were some of the roles you took on or gave to someone else? Were there MUTUAL agreements involved? Were the appointed roles reasonable or unrealistic? Is there something currently happening in your life that requires you to consider cancelling an unreasonable appointment of some nature? Do you pick on your spouse, sibling or co-worker a little too much, having subconsciously appointed yourself the role of ‘their official tormentor’? How would everyone feel if you decided to forgo such a role? Now imagine cancelling some of the roles others have chosen for you to act out.
The next time someone says to you ‘I’m so disappointed in you’, imagine being free to respond with the following: ‘It is YOU who appointed me the role of __________. At no stage did I agree with it. I officially and clearly unappoint myself as ___________. If you want me to help you deal with the grief associated with not living up to your expectations, I am free to help you get through it.’ And if you ever disappoint yourself when it comes to a commitment like losing weight or exercising a little more, for example, don’t beat yourself up too much; simply make another appointment and live your way into your new role.
Yes, words can be liberating things when we become determined to use them consciously as tools in life. On occasion people have actually said to me ‘Why do you always feel the need to analyse the life out of words?!’ Well, the answer is simple – where there is life there is power. I analyse the life out of words for the purpose of taking away their power. When I give new life to a particular word, through redefining it, this is always done with the intention of giving it a far more positive and productive form of power.
Once you commit to the CHALLENGE of playing with words and ridding yourself of negative self-talk, you will never become disappointed…for in CHAlleNGE there is change.